There may be no use in crying over spilled milk, but if you reach that point in motherhood, you certainly understand it. I would guess that likely every mom that has pumped has a story to tell about spilling milk and the lament that followed.
I remember one time when I was having a discussion with my sister-in-law as I sat at the table pumping away (yeah, no shame, but really, I did cover myself and block most from view). We were discussing how we both manages to have decent supplies and stating we hardly had a pump session that resulted in less than 5 oz. (times change, and fluctuate, because I can tell you, I've had many since then that were significantly less). In any case, some how, the strap that held the collection/storage bag onto my pump released and the almost full bag dropped to the floor, landed on it's side and ejected almost all of it's contents. After the cleanup and my return to pumping, I was able to squeeze out only another ounce. I was upset. A pumping session that would have resulted in 6 oz. left a meager 1 1/2 oz. At that time, I'd never had such an empty bag after a pumping session. The sad thing is, I was more bothered by my sullied reputation for not pumping a respectable amount. I know I did in fact pump a nice amount, but the loss, in my mind was more about the low total than the actual loss of the milk. Believe me, I know how bad that admission sounds. It makes me seem like a truly horrible person. Even then, I probably didn't realize the real reason I was upset, thinking it was the loss of the milk, or I was in denial about the real reason. The fact of the matter was though, that at the time, I didn't need to pump. I was pumping to create a stash that hardly got used. I was a stay at home mom with my first baby and hardly a reason to leave him. There were all of two times in his exclusive breastfeeding stage where he received bottles. At the time, not only did I not need a sizable stash, but if I lost any, I could always pump more. I had no reason to really be affected by it.If I'm going to be completely honest I have to admit that I've always taken for granted the fact that I respond well to the pump and that I have oversupply. At least with donating, some good can come of my over-sized ego and sheer narcissism. Even better, those traits drive my competitive side so I try to pump more and donate more, so it's actually resulting in good, right? At least I can try to convince myself of that. Regardless, today, I experienced a huge change in my reaction that maybe means I'm more human than I thought.
I had just finished pumping and was moving the bag of freshly pumped milk to the refrigerator pressing the zipper on the pouch closed as I walked. My three year old appeared in my path and before I knew it, he was reaching up and squeezing the bottom of the pouch expelling milk in the process out of the small portion of the zipper yet to be sealed. Milk squirted out the top of the bag and splattered on the floor. A pain shot through my chest as I looked stunned at what had happened. Tears welled behind my eyes and I started to get choked up. I was so saddened by the situation and couldn't help but to glare at my child who smiled as if proud of what he had done. He then proceeded to lick the milk of the floor and declare, "It's mama milk!"
I certainly have come a long way. In reality, the amount that was spilled was probably less than half an ounce, but it seemed like it may as well have been my whole stash at the time. Things sure have changed over this journey from my first views of breastfeeding, to meeting more breastfeeding and struggling mamas, and now to having participated in donating milk over the past year and a half. I certainly have grown in my views and opinions. I've also learned a lot. I'm much more upset about the loss of milk because I know what some mamas go through to provide it for their little ones. I only hope that I can share that knowledge and the knowledge that even a small amount can be a big help.
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