Crying Over Spilled Milk

At no other time in your life does that cliché hold more weight to it than when you become a breastfeeding mother. Even more so if you are a pumping mom. And, dare I say, even more if you suffer low supply.

There may be no use in crying over spilled milk, but if you reach that point in motherhood, you certainly understand it. I would guess that likely every mom that has pumped has a story to tell about spilling milk and the lament that followed.

I remember one time when I was having a discussion with my sister-in-law as I sat at the table pumping away (yeah, no shame, but really, I did cover myself and block most from view). We were discussing how we both manages to have decent supplies and stating we hardly had a pump session that resulted in less than 5 oz. (times change, and fluctuate, because I can tell you, I've had many since then that were significantly less). In any case, some how, the strap that held the collection/storage bag onto my pump released and the almost full bag dropped to the floor, landed on it's side and ejected almost all of it's contents. After the cleanup and my return to pumping, I was able to squeeze out only another ounce. I was upset. A pumping session that would have resulted in 6 oz. left a meager 1 1/2 oz. At that time, I'd never had such an empty bag after a pumping session. The sad thing is, I was more bothered by my sullied reputation for not pumping a respectable amount. I know I did in fact pump a nice amount, but the loss, in my mind was more about the low total than the actual loss of the milk. Believe me, I know how bad that admission sounds. It makes me seem like a truly horrible person. Even then, I probably didn't realize the real reason I was upset, thinking it was the loss of the milk, or I was in denial about the real reason. The fact of the matter was though, that at the time, I didn't need to pump. I was pumping to create a stash that hardly got used. I was a stay at home mom with my first baby and hardly a reason to leave him. There were all of two times in his exclusive breastfeeding stage where he received bottles. At the time, not only did I not need a sizable stash, but if I lost any, I could always pump more. I had no reason to really be affected by it.

If I'm going to be completely honest I have to admit that I've always taken for granted the fact that I respond well to the pump and that I have oversupply. At least with donating, some good can come of my over-sized ego and sheer narcissism. Even better, those traits drive my competitive side so I try to pump more and donate more, so it's actually resulting in good, right? At least I can try to convince myself of that. Regardless, today, I experienced a huge change in my reaction that maybe means I'm more human than I thought.

I had just finished pumping and was moving the bag of freshly pumped milk to the refrigerator pressing the zipper on the pouch closed as I walked. My three year old appeared in my path and before I knew it, he was reaching up and squeezing the bottom of the pouch expelling milk in the process out of the small portion of the zipper yet to be sealed. Milk squirted out the top of the bag and splattered on the floor. A pain shot through my chest as I looked stunned at what had happened. Tears welled behind my eyes and I started to get choked up. I was so saddened by the situation and couldn't help but to glare at my child who smiled as if proud of what he had done. He then proceeded to lick the milk of the floor and declare, "It's mama milk!"

I certainly have come a long way. In reality, the amount that was spilled was probably less than half an ounce, but it seemed like it may as well have been my whole stash at the time. Things sure have changed over this journey from my first views of breastfeeding, to meeting more breastfeeding and struggling mamas, and now to having participated in donating milk over the past year and a half. I certainly have grown in my views and opinions. I've also learned a lot. I'm much more upset about the loss of milk because I know what some mamas go through to provide it for their little ones. I only hope that I can share that knowledge and the knowledge that even a small amount can be a big help.

The Ugly Side of Milk Donation

I wish I could say that donating milk is an entirely altruistic endeavor. Maybe it started that way, but to be honest, I've noticed some traits developing in myself that aren't desirable or respectable. It's sad, really, but it's the truth. Through this journey I have found that at times, donating milk has made me judgmental, competitive, guilt-ridden and full of self deprecation. All things I'd rather leave behind, but it's not really that simple.

I am surrounded by breastfeeding moms. I subscribe to breastfeeding blogs. I frequent breastfeeding support sites and follow breastfeeding information, support, and activism Facebook pages. Such activities mean that I have a truly enviable support network and access to awesome resources. The judgment creeps in though. It's horrible. I know moms that could be donating but aren't and it bugs me. I don't know their life, I don't know their story, but I can't help but wonder why they aren't donating. It's even worse, when I hear about moms with oversupply that don't donate. When they talk about methods to decrease supply, it really gets me. I feel anger creeping in. It's not fair to them, but there it is. Many don't have the time. Many don't know about donation. In the moment though, none of that matters. I just feel it. I have to remind myself to keep my mouth shut (aside from the occasional nudge to consider donation) and later, I can rationalize it to myself again that they aren't bad people. They have their own lives and stories and it may not work for them. And that's ok.

When I was donating to the milk bank, I had them send me the larger containers since I ran out of the small ones they originally provided me with. They informed me that some moms need the bigger containers. I was one of those moms (insert a prideful beaming me). I looked at the amounts that others were dropping off as I'd log my donation in their book when I dropped it off and I was smug about my donation being larger than most of the others. Yep, I'm a bad person. I even called the milk bank and asked them how much moms donated on average. I wanted to make sure I was a top donor. I got a round-about non-specific and non-helpful answer (in all honesty, it's hard to say since the number of one time donors is far greater than the number of repeat donors. Who knows if they actually keep track of the averages like that?). I was determined to be one of the best donors they had. More recently I came across the news report about the mom that had recently broken the record in the Guiness Book for milk donation. I was impressed. And it made me want to do more. I needed to beat that record! But I couldn't. My little one was already over a year and the milk bank doesn't take donations after the baby is a year old. For a flash, I thought I needed to have another baby so I could beat that record. How messed up is that???? Then I decided I'd just pump, pump, pump, and donate record breaking amounts to local moms, until I came across this story of a mom that had donated over 15,000 oz. via milk bank donations and milk sharing and realized that I was nowhere near close to that and needed to up my game again if I was going to be among the top donors. Now, competition in this arena isn't necessarily a bad thing. If it means that you are doing a little bit extra to donate more, it's all the better. In some cases, something's gotta give. If you spend so much time focusing on pumping and donating, your life and family may ultimately suffer. Granted, I didn't go as far as to boost up the galactologues and increase my supply dramatically, but if someone went as far as to do that just for donation, their pocket book would suffer more than it already does if the cost of pumping supplies wasn't being covered. Priorities are important. Family is important. It's not fair for your family to suffer for your pride or that competitive edge.

Seeing reports of moms donating more is double sided. On one hand, the competitive side kicks in. To balance that out, the guilt and self-deprecation seep in too. When I see that someone is able to do so much, I wonder why I am not doing that too. What's wrong with me that I haven't done more? Why did I spend that time reading or playing a game when I could have been pumping? Why did I drop pumping sessions? How selfish am I? It goes on and on. It's not a pretty side of self-reflection. I feel guilty every time I take a break for myself. I feel guilty for not pumping more. I feel guilty that I used to pump 20 oz. per day and now I'm down to about 6. It's my fault too. If I pumped more, I'd get more. I can make excuses and rationalize, and even if those reasons are valid, I still feel like they are just excuses. It's tough. I'm not expecting sympathy, but many times, I've skipped a pumping session and beat myself up about it. I'm constantly thinking I need to go back to pumping as much as I used to so I can be giving more. I feel guilty and selfish. It doesn't go away. Despite the upset I feel towards others that don't donate at all, I still feel like what I'm doing is inadequate.

The whole situation can get ugly. It's important to keep things into perspective and acknowledge limits. Maybe had I set goals and limits from the start it would be easier than this emotional roller coaster. I don't know. I'm attempting to turn my experiences into something positive. I try very hard to not be negative towards other moms that could donate but don't, I try to gently encourage moms to donate that can, I try to spread the word and not brag (too much) about what I've accomplished (there are certainly others that have and will put me to shame). It's a side of milk donation and myself that I never expected to see, but there it is. It keeps creeping back no matter how hard I try to suppress it. It's always there hanging over my shoulder. My hope is that despite my shortcomings, my efforts to encourage others and educate about milk donation do some good.

Has it really been that long?

A few days ago, my youngest turned 20 mo. I can't believe he's so close to turning two! In my mind, I'm still in baby phase. Not infant phase, but he's still my baby.

With a 20 mo. old, that also means I've been donating for over a year and a half! That's truly exciting on it's own! I first donated to a local mom while I waited for paperwork to go through with the milk bank. Then, it was 10 mo. with the milk bank starting from when my youngest was 2 mo. old. I continued to donate to the local mama as long as she needed it. When my baby was a year old, I stopped donating to the milk bank (since they give to premature babies and those in the NICU, they don't use mature milk) and began seeking out other local moms that were in need of milk. Through various channels, I found several and have continued my milk donation journey.

To date, I have donated over 4700 oz. to the milk bank and over 2200 oz. to local mamas. Granted, that's no Guinness Record, but I'm sure the recipient babies don't mind. As a result of donation, I've gained 5 "milk children"  from local donations and countless anonymous ones via the Milk Bank.

I love being able to help babies in need when I've been blessed with a good supply. I'll keep on going as long as I can. I have no idea when the journey will end and when my little one will wean, but the day will come. It certainly is sad, but I hope through all of this, I've been able to inspire others to donate or at least spread the word about donation so more babies can benefit.