I am surrounded by breastfeeding moms. I subscribe to breastfeeding blogs. I frequent breastfeeding support sites and follow breastfeeding information, support, and activism Facebook pages. Such activities mean that I have a truly enviable support network and access to awesome resources. The judgment creeps in though. It's horrible. I know moms that could be donating but aren't and it bugs me. I don't know their life, I don't know their story, but I can't help but wonder why they aren't donating. It's even worse, when I hear about moms with oversupply that don't donate. When they talk about methods to decrease supply, it really gets me. I feel anger creeping in. It's not fair to them, but there it is. Many don't have the time. Many don't know about donation. In the moment though, none of that matters. I just feel it. I have to remind myself to keep my mouth shut (aside from the occasional nudge to consider donation) and later, I can rationalize it to myself again that they aren't bad people. They have their own lives and stories and it may not work for them. And that's ok.
When I was donating to the milk bank, I had them send me the larger containers since I ran out of the small ones they originally provided me with. They informed me that some moms need the bigger containers. I was one of those moms (insert a prideful beaming me). I looked at the amounts that others were dropping off as I'd log my donation in their book when I dropped it off and I was smug about my donation being larger than most of the others. Yep, I'm a bad person. I even called the milk bank and asked them how much moms donated on average. I wanted to make sure I was a top donor. I got a round-about non-specific and non-helpful answer (in all honesty, it's hard to say since the number of one time donors is far greater than the number of repeat donors. Who knows if they actually keep track of the averages like that?). I was determined to be one of the best donors they had. More recently I came across the news report about the mom that had recently broken the record in the Guiness Book for milk donation. I was impressed. And it made me want to do more. I needed to beat that record! But I couldn't. My little one was already over a year and the milk bank doesn't take donations after the baby is a year old. For a flash, I thought I needed to have another baby so I could beat that record. How messed up is that???? Then I decided I'd just pump, pump, pump, and donate record breaking amounts to local moms, until I came across this story of a mom that had donated over 15,000 oz. via milk bank donations and milk sharing and realized that I was nowhere near close to that and needed to up my game again if I was going to be among the top donors. Now, competition in this arena isn't necessarily a bad thing. If it means that you are doing a little bit extra to donate more, it's all the better. In some cases, something's gotta give. If you spend so much time focusing on pumping and donating, your life and family may ultimately suffer. Granted, I didn't go as far as to boost up the galactologues and increase my supply dramatically, but if someone went as far as to do that just for donation, their pocket book would suffer more than it already does if the cost of pumping supplies wasn't being covered. Priorities are important. Family is important. It's not fair for your family to suffer for your pride or that competitive edge.Seeing reports of moms donating more is double sided. On one hand, the competitive side kicks in. To balance that out, the guilt and self-deprecation seep in too. When I see that someone is able to do so much, I wonder why I am not doing that too. What's wrong with me that I haven't done more? Why did I spend that time reading or playing a game when I could have been pumping? Why did I drop pumping sessions? How selfish am I? It goes on and on. It's not a pretty side of self-reflection. I feel guilty every time I take a break for myself. I feel guilty for not pumping more. I feel guilty that I used to pump 20 oz. per day and now I'm down to about 6. It's my fault too. If I pumped more, I'd get more. I can make excuses and rationalize, and even if those reasons are valid, I still feel like they are just excuses. It's tough. I'm not expecting sympathy, but many times, I've skipped a pumping session and beat myself up about it. I'm constantly thinking I need to go back to pumping as much as I used to so I can be giving more. I feel guilty and selfish. It doesn't go away. Despite the upset I feel towards others that don't donate at all, I still feel like what I'm doing is inadequate.
The whole situation can get ugly. It's important to keep things into perspective and acknowledge limits. Maybe had I set goals and limits from the start it would be easier than this emotional roller coaster. I don't know. I'm attempting to turn my experiences into something positive. I try very hard to not be negative towards other moms that could donate but don't, I try to gently encourage moms to donate that can, I try to spread the word and not brag (too much) about what I've accomplished (there are certainly others that have and will put me to shame). It's a side of milk donation and myself that I never expected to see, but there it is. It keeps creeping back no matter how hard I try to suppress it. It's always there hanging over my shoulder. My hope is that despite my shortcomings, my efforts to encourage others and educate about milk donation do some good.
